Monday, October 15, 2007

this raya i am feeling cynical. maybe my blanket has been doused with a fresh spray of shower and chlorine (like my bathrooms) or maybe its the fact that i have only stepped into 2 houses for raya this season.

yup, that's two-fifths of the total number of jari you have in one hand.
one. two.
dah.

so cynical am i that the whole concept of wishing people 'selamat hari raya' sounded a bit too old for me this year. so much so that i kept silent when my friends messaged me such sweet messages (which only appropriate response would be to message a similar cheery-sounding reply with loads of multiple exclamations to demonstrate enthusiasm for the one month that you get-to-don-colourful-glittery-garbs-that-inevitably-tighten-midway-during-the-day-cos-you-cant-stop-munching-just-because-you-have-starved-yourself-silly-for-one-month-and-now-its-payback-time.)
can you feel my sarcasm?

to sum it up, i think this year the festive spirit's flew to a land far, far away as i pondered and contemplated (too much) on the true meaning of celebrating the end of ramadhan. for surely its not just about putting on your new baju kurungs and 3-inch heels and feeling proud to be looking like a madame diva as you strut around from house to house on the pretext of 'mengeratkan tali silaturahim' when all you ever do at those houses is the feast on raya goodies. and gossip.
ouch.

...and why celebrate the end of ramadhan? cos we could finally resume with our way of lives that, God-forbids, we put on hold to 'respect Ramadhan' when throughout the month, you are already making plans to 'pick up where you left off' straight after?

told you. i am cynical.

or maybe, i am just tired la, hor. i'm currently battling a mix of emotions that i never expect would hit me.
but it did.
hit me.
hard.
all approximately 40 days before i am wedded, and 10 days after the so-exciting-i-am-getting-giddy-i-could-pass-out completion of the house.
i don't wanna leave my mommy.

i am transiting from a stage of intense excitement-akin to a toddler on his virgin attempt on a walker- moving into my new place to my current state of mind where i hereby (and die-die) conclude i don't want to leave my mommy. i wanna hold on to her leg and let her drag me around- whatever, i don't care- but i dont ever wanna let go. not having her in the same household is a major transition, and might i say, one of the most challenging.

who's gonna doa'kan my safe journey in the morning complete with a kiss, everyday without fail, the moment i step outta the house?
who's gonna interrupt me from slumber with a gentle call for prayers?
who's gonna successfully infuse all the knowledge, wisdom and ilmu so naturally in everyday conversations such that all those words of wisdom is ingrained in your nature, consciously or otherwise, despite you telling her repeatedly that she loves to talk too much-sometimes.
who's gonna curahkan me with all the greatness of doa's and blessings that could only come from a mother, whose love is all-encompassing?

i know she still will. only now, she's going to be further away and i wont be able to hear those words everyday.

my mother is a true warrior for her family. her love, intense and she fights fiercely for us all-in ways you'd never imagine or ever hope to know. her conversations incorporated with never-ending words of praises for Him and doa's for her children, husband and son-in-law. Doas which i would silently amin-kan in my heart, cos i know there is none like blessings from a mother.

as a daughter, i know could never repay her kindness. and now i keep thinking, its gonna be harder still coming from a different household.
i wont be there all the time to massage her or hand her panadol when she needs it. or accompany her to the market on weekends. or just sit down opposite her to have a chat late into the night. i wont be able to laugh at silly and lame jokes with her or startle her from behind from time to time.
and i want to continue to have the chance to do all that with her. all.the.time.
is it too much to ask?

i want to see her grow old and be there in times of her needs. i want to be able to be there for her like she's been there for me all these while. all. the. time.

of all the things i'd miss from home, i'll miss her the most.
and i dont think i can bear to have her so far away.

r.z 9:18 PM  0 comments